Sometimes we can hardly understand eachother.. Reading truely what is happening in their mind is sometimes the most difficult thing in the world.. One day everything can be like heaven.. But the next day clouds are starting to send the most horrible lightnings upon you…
You can’t guess or foresee what will happen the next day..  The uncertainty can be scary most of the time.. However it is sometimes exciting.. Being full of surprises is not bad at all. But you need a strong heart to stand against it..

I think i have that heart.. I can be patient.. I can be patient until forever..

Today one of my respectable friends had died.. He was a writer in our newspaper, but i used to like his character and personality just like a brother.. He was 57 years old.. He was always smiling.. He teached us many things until now.. I had the chance to know him for 6 years. And i learned a lot of things..

However he is not with us anymore.. Maybe spiritually but not physically… I couldn’t share my sadness with her, becoz we started to the day by arguing about a nonsense subject.. Whatever.. It happens sometimes.. This is the life..

I hope at night we can talk..

Everyone has a dream.. Some people live in a dream world.. Some people ignore their own dreams.. Some people do care of  their dreams and try to realize them.. And some people can make their dream come true… I am one of the dreamers.. I always dreamt and i will always dream.. I am imagining a happy world just like everyone.. I am imagining the conditions which make the life easier for me.. Everyone must do the same.. But while making our life easier, it is not supposed to be “other’s sadness”… A beautiful building can’t be build upon a weak or sick basis.. I can’t build my life over someone else’s ruins..
While we are making our lifes easier, we also have to make other people’s lifes easier.. We have to care about others… But of course, firstly, everyone care about theirselves.. This is normal i think. But being selfish is something else. And it is really bad..
Whatever.. This is not my point.. I just want to talk about my dreams.. Dreams about life are generally related to love.. As the relationship between man and woman is shaping the life, it also shapes our dreams.. So most of my dreams are built over a happy relationship… I mostly feel that if i have a beautiful relationship, everything in my life will be better and easier.. Maybe theorically it is true, but in practice, relationships are making life harder.. I think the main reason is to be selfish.. We love ourselves.. We think we love other people too.. But we put ourself into the center and we don’t care mostly about other’s feelings… This is a huge mistake in love… Being selfish and pride is not a good thing.. However, if we love someone, it will not make us give up.. Maybe we misunderstood them and their wishes.. We must be understanding.. We must listen.. We must care about other’s feelings…
Personally, i want an easy life.. Life is too short for me.. I know world is not easy.. But also i know it doesn’t worth to be sad.. Today someone who is very important for me told me: “Nothing worths to be sad”…  It is really true… I am agree with her.. Thank to God, she is understanding me and she is not selfish.. So she is trying to make my life easier.. And i am trying to make her life easier too.. This is what i am dreaming about…
My dream is a life without misunderstandings and unneccesary discussions and argumentations.. Becoz we have no time for that.. We have to be happy… Simple and pure happiness.. It needs a pure love… And golden hearts… I am glad that i have that…
Yes i was dreaming about a golden heart… To give all of my love and affection to this heart… It was my dream… A beautiful relationship… Couples are listening to eachother.. They understand eachother… They never hurt eachother…
They only care about eachother.. And they are making eachother smile… Giving happiness, joy and peace… I know it sounds like heaven… But couples must do it.. Becoz life can be very easy this way… And we all need that…
Personally, i try and like to make my love’s wishes real… Her wishes are always in first place… I try not to refuse… If it is something i can do, i exactly do it.. This is what i should make.. Becoz my darling is the most important person in my life and her wishes are always in the first place… Of course, i wish the same from her… This is neccesary…
Talking about dreams is not something easy… And it is a long subject.. I think i will write them sometimes.. Becoz if u want to know someone, u have to listen their dreams… It will make you closer… And u will start to understand her/his character more and more..
I wish a happy life for all…

“Ooo Life.. It’s bigger.. It’s bigger than you..” says R.E.M in their famous song “Losing my religion”.. Really, life is bigger than us. Because the creator and designer of the life can see the whole picture and its smallest parts at the same time. But we, poor humanbeings, limited by our senses, can only see what our senses are presenting to us. We are one of the smallest creatures of the universe.. Our situation according to the universe is just like the situation of the ant according to the world.. We are that ant.. And we can see, understand or foresee nothing… The things we see are only some illusions.. However we are conscious creatures and we must understand what is happening to us.. And we must do it by combining our poor senses and confused mind.. This combination sometimes can be very dangerous.. But only with the light of God, humanbeing can understand some truths about life…Why i am telling all of those philosophic stuffs? Becoz i am about to decide about some serious subjects related to my life.. I am about to give direction to my life into a one-way street… I will decide and go… There will be no return.. It will exactly change my life.. It will exactly effect my entire existence… I hope it will be in a good manner.. I hope i can shape and change my life with success and decorate it with happiness and peace… What is this decision..? This is a secret for now… Only one person knows it.. She knows herself.. She is my saviour.. She gave me her hands while i was drowning in a dark ocean.. I was about to die in the guagmire of my loneliness… But she was trying to reach me for a long time… I didn’t see her.. I was not able to respond and give my hands to her… However she was patient.. She was serious and always waited for the right time.. After some while of betweenity, i noticed her shining face and i hugged her… Maybe i couldn’t see her, becoz she was sparkling so much… Sometimes it can make u blind… For example you can’t look at the sun directly.. Becoz it is shining too much and it may make u blind… If you look, after a while u can’t see anything… Finally, i saw her.. After that time, i started to stare at her constantly… I was addicted.. I was mesmerized… I am glad i met her.. Now i want to change my and her life.. If we have the enough courage to do that.. We will be able to do… I am very hopeful… So she is…
It was really unplanned… I am not a “plan person”… I don’t often do plans.. So it was spontaneous.. Fitting to me so much.. The way i like it..
That’s why i am saying “life is bigger than us”… Becoz it can’t be planned.. It is full of surprises.. Just we have to look carefully and be aware of it..
Whatever happens, i am glad i am doing it… And i am ok with the results.. I have the courage to face it.. I am ready.. I am here.. More than everytime…

Dünyada kalmasın

Hiç başka sevenim

Her şeyimi alın da

Bana annemi verin!

Aşk vücud bulmamış bir hayaldir bende

Kime ve neye sorularının cevapsız kaldığı

Hayalin önüne konulmuyor ya perde

Budur sebebi belki, aşkı böyle yaşamamın

 

Aşk denince dolar gözlerim

Sonra içli bir ezgi çalmayagörsün         

Aşk çiçeğini yolar sözlerim      

İstemem! Ne yar görsün beni, ne ağyar görsün

 

Ceset giymesin hayaller asla

Kaskatı yaşayamam ben aşkı

Beklerim de asırlar boyu hep yasla

Yine de cesede indirgemem ben aşkı

 

AÅŸamam bendimi, koparamam kemendimi

Hayallerim olmadan sevemem hayatı   

Özgürüm her anımda, özgürce aşığım   

Ayırmak da istemiyorum gerçeği ve hayali

Beyhude geçen zamana mı yanayım?

Sensizliğimde beyhude mi yanayım?

Bir teselli yok, gecenin karanlık yüzünde

Bir dost bulsam ki; sevgi olsun sözünde

Ä°lle de o olsun , ille de olsun

Yâdımda cemali, tesellim olsun

Göz gözü görmez, ışık yok gecelerde

Bir muhabbet isterim gönül gönüle

Sendedir aÅŸk, sendedir desem

O güzel yüzlüyü, ah şimdi görsem!

 

Gittin,

Bir kahve içimi kadar kolayca 

“Gitme” demek kâr edecek olsa

İnan bakmazdım ardından öylece

 

Gidişine alışmak kolay mı sanırsın?

Bakma öyle aldırış etmediğime

Bakma öyle ne olur, bakma öyle!

 

Yokluğunu yudumlamaktayım

Dibindeyim boş fincanların

Dibi yok ya sensizliÄŸin

Mütemadiyen boşluktayım

 

Sen son yudumum olacaktın

Kahpe dünyadan çektiğim içime

Kahve içercesine…

 

Alışmak kolay mı sanırsın?

Dibindeyim koca dünyanın

Şimdi anladım,

Kahvenin dibi neden acıdır…

 

GidiÅŸine emare, kahveden aldığın son yudum…

Gittin!

Ve ben sonsuz bir kâbusa uyudum.

Şimdi içer kanımı sensizlik yudum yudum

Bir kahve içimi kadar kolayca…

Bize yine hüzün mü var bu bahar?

Bilseniz yürekte kopar, nasıl fırtınalar

Müteessir, yüreğimin çırpınışlarına kanarım.

Anarım, hiç olmayan günleri, özlemle anarım

Bilmem ki; bize kâr eder mi bu bahar?

Bahardan sonra açan çiçeğin ne anlamı var?

Gözyaşlarımla muttasıl suladığım çiçekler

Bilirim baharda elbet filizlenecekler

Lakin, beyhude geçen her lahzada yanarım

Çünkü bilirim, elbet sonu vardır baharın…

 

***

 

(Şairim, kandırıyorum herhalde kendimi

-Baharlar umut vermez bu ÅŸaire- niye?)

 

***

Mücerret ruhum, vazgeç bahar sevdandan

Ne farkı var ki güzün, onsuz geçen bahardan

Açılmadı çiçekler öyle mi?

YaÄŸmadı yaÄŸmur…

Dikerim gözlerimi ufka doğru

Umut için değil bu defa

Ä°syan edercesine…

Umut etmekle işledim büyük suçu

İsyan gerek bana, kendime isyan…

DeÄŸil kadere…

Bize yine yanmak mı kaldı?

Izdıraptan kahrolmak mı?

Maziden artakalan

Sadece hüzün ve yalnızlık mı?

 

Şedit bir iştiyak var içimde

Çekip gideceğim buralardan

Kemale erince, kanatlanıp

Salıp gideceğim semalara.

 

Yaşar mıyım bilmem, yalnız?

Yeni yârenlere mi rastlarım?

Tek bildiğim, gideceğim…

Bana yeter, yeter ki gideyim…

                                                                                        

Şahid olun ey yıldızlar

Sizden daha parlak yüreğimdeki kor

Durmak gelmez artık bana

Miadım doldu, gideceğim…

 

Neredesin baba?

Bir bilsen yokluğun ne acı.

Ter kokunu özledim baba

Ter kokun ki dertlerimin ilacı.

 

Sokaklarda geziyorum korkusuzca

Alnım ak, karnım aç..

Adımlıyorum sensizliği

Fakat alışamıyorum.

 

Sesin yankılanıyor,

Başımı okşuyorsun paslı ellerinle

Neredesin baba?

 

Bir bilsen yokluğun ne acı

Ter kokunu özledim baba

Ter kokun ki dertlerimin ilacı

 

Geceler uzuyor, uzadıkça yokluğun

Karış karış geziyorum sokakları,

Bir iz arıyorum geçmişten,

Senden kalan bir iz.

Beyhude, bulamıyorum.

İstanbul çekiyor içine beni

Ben çekiyorum içime Ä°stanbul’u

Yalnızca yokluğunun sıkıntısını çekemiyorum

Sesin yankılanıyor

“OÄŸlum” diyorsun.

“Korkma ben varım”

Korkmuyorum baba hiçbir şeyden

Senin yokluğundan gayrı.

Neredesin baba?

Bir bilsen yokluğun ne acı

Ter kokunu özledim baba

Ter kokun ki dertlerimin ilacı

 

Ne hayallerim vardı oysa

Sen yanımda, ben şoför koltuğunda

Öğretecektin bana, araba kullanmayı.

Vida sıkmayı, pense tutmayı,

Tamir etmeyi bozukları..

Düşecektim, tutup kaldıracaktın

Başımı okşayacaktın, paslı ellerinle

Güvenecektim böylece kendime

Neredesin? Elini versene.

 

Ben yalnız, biçare, İstanbul delisi

Ne sen varsın ne de ellerin.

Ne Haliç alıyor beni kucağına

Ne Galata okşuyor başımı.

“Ey oÄŸul” demiyor bana Fatih.

Ve Üsküdar da ağlamıyor

Bakmıyor bile karşı yamaca.

BeyoÄŸlu ise halinden memnun

Bey’in oÄŸlu ne de olsa

Mağrur mağrur bakar ve küçümser..

Belki bana Eyüp, belki Karacaahmet gülümser.

Parke taşlı sokaklar, yalılar, viraneler

Bilmiyorum ne anlar acıdan, neyi heceler

Bir acı ki salar içime İstanbulum

Gözlerim dalar içine Ä°stanbul’un

Ve sen gelirsin aklıma baba

 

Bir bilsen yokluğun ne acı

Ter kokunu özledim baba

Ter kokun ki dertlerimin ilacı…